On an
almost daily basis I remind myself of how spoiled I am by the almost always
immediate access to limitless bits of information speeding across the internet
to my hot little hand via my smartphone. If my cell phone provider is doing
what it should I can get answers to even my most random questions any hour of
the day or night! Once upon a time there were only a select few who had access
to the Bible and now I can type into Google: “Bible verse about floating ax
head” and in less than 3 seconds I am directed to page after page about 2 Kings
6 and God being His awesome Self using Elisha to help out a friend. Never has the
world’s general population had more access to the Word of God – this is
exciting and convicting for me all at once. One of the beautiful benefits of
having access to God’s word is that I don’t guess about God feels about me.
There are moments in my
everyday life when I struggle to feel loved, valued or appreciated. Some days I
don’t even feel seen or harder, seen only by people who need or want things
from me. But I know God loves me; His word tells me so. The cross proved it for
me. There are days when I don’t think I will be able to do the things God has
called me to do; my weaknesses feel overwhelming. But by God’s grace I make it
to the end of another hard day accomplishing the tasks that were set before me.
Some mornings I stare at my sinful self in the face and struggle to believe
that I will ever be free from the habits and thoughts that tie me down. But
then new mercies remind me that Jesus is the only perfect person that ever has
been and that I can rest in who He is and what He accomplished for me on the
cross. Some days I struggle to see anything beyond bags under my eyes, grey
hair and a bigger body than I want to have. But then God reminds me of that
moment from 2003 on a sunny Belize afternoon when He told me I was beautiful. I
am sure God has spoken His affirmation to me many times before (and thankfully,
after, that day) but this moment was memorable because it was the first time I
chose to believe what He said about me.
My first visit to the
beautiful of Belize was during a Spring Break in 2003 on a short-term mission
trip with Valley Bible Church. I was on staff with VBC at the time and it was
our very first short term trip to Belize. If I remember correctly (I will
happily be fact checked by anyone who was with us) the team was comprised our
Student Ministries Pastor, Tim, two young men Dan and Zach, me and a whole
gaggle of awesome girls including my sister Melinda and my good friend Melissa.
I would have to drag out my journal from the time to remember a ton of
specifics but I remember the mosquitoes, the warm people we met like Uncle
Clive, handmade three-tiered bunk beds, an Easter sunrise service and the
braids.
A few of the local women
had offered to braid each of our girl’s hair into itty-bitty braids which as
you can imagine took a ton of time and was pretty low on priority list for the
week for us leaders. However, I wanted my hair braided, too, but as time and
luck would have it the end of our trip arrived and Melissa and I were the only
two ladies not sporting braids as we were headed home. As we gathered to say
our goodbyes we gathered in groups to take pictures with our new friends.
Someone called out, “Now all the girls with the braids!” so all the braided
beauties gathered and pictures are snapped while compliments began to fly.
Standing in front of me were Dan and Mel (who were dating at the time and are
now happily 13 years married) and Dan puts his arm around Mel’s shoulder and
says, “You are beautiful to me” (or something sweet of that sort – well, maybe
sweet and snarky which is one of Dan’s specialties). Immediately my insecure,
early 20-year-old self looked accusingly inward and notices my lack of braids
or boyfriend and this completely petty moment seemingly confirms for me one of
my worst fears: I am not beautiful, noticed or wanted. I blinked back tears,
taking on the familiar weight of rejection and worthlessness that I had
wrestled with often. But suddenly I heard the Lord say to my heart, “I think
you are beautiful, Nicole.” Now, I didn’t hear some deep voice from behind or
had a dove float down from the sky but I can tell you that even though that
thought came to me in my own mind’s voice I can promise you that those were
words I never said to myself. Not once. It had to be the Holy Spirit in me. I
know that the Lord had attempted to speak His love, His truth over me in many
ways throughout my life but what made this time different was this: it was the
very first time I believed Him. Instead of excusing or denying His affirmation
of His handiwork in me I accepted His words to me and (shocker) my heart was
encouraged! We wrapped up our picture snapping session, said our goodbyes and
headed to the airport. During that season of life, typically an attack on my
identity and contentment like that would have derailed me for hours, if not
days or weeks! In choosing to believe what God said about me that sunny
afternoon set my feet on a life-long journey of faith that I am still traipsing
and skipping along on today.
I am
loving Lauren Dangle’s new song, “You Say” today; the chorus says:
You
say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You
say I am strong when I think I am week
And
you say I am helped when I am falling short
And
when I don't belong, Lord you say I am yours
And I believe, yes, I
believe what you say of me
Oh I believe
I pray that today you
will choose to believe what God has said about you. If you don’t know what He
says about you, check out the Bible! Use the internet to your benefit and
instead of following a Buzzfeed bunny trail that leads you to an article on how
which outfit you pick out at Hollister says about your personality (coming
clean: that literally happened to me today) and do some research! Find Lauren’s
song on YouTube. Find a new worship playlist on Spotify. Type into that snazzy
Goggle search bar “Who does the Bible say I am?” and go exploring. There is a
lot of goodness to be found therein if you choose to believe it… I pray that
you do.
